this one's for you, kranki

the carb army: a mission statement.

the carb army is a small but growing conglomerate of people dedicated to guilt-free carb-munching in all its wondrous forms and at all times throughout the day.

we say no to fad diets. we say no to bad breath. we say no to energy drainage. we say no to a world in which neck-sagging, bone-protruding thinness is upheld as the ideal of female beauty.

we know that any form of trend dieting is ridiculous as one will inevitably regain any weight lost (and then some probably) once having returned to their normal eating patterns.

we admit that some of us (who shall remain nameless) may have lived on a diet of apples and carrot sticks in our youth. we have moved on since then.

we accept that a healthy diet and exercise regime are necessary elements of life in this cancer-ridden and obesity-fraught new world order. we don't necessarily adhere to these principles, but we accept them nonetheless.

we remember that dr. robert atkins died young due to a severe blockage in his second artery.

we worry that our atkins and zone-loving adversaries will also die horrible early deaths, with fat bursting forth from their pores and hearts exploding through their chests from overconsumption of fatty goodness. they may be our enemies, but we don't wish them dead.

we welcome all willing participants onto our side, and aim to spread the word on thick slices of fresh crusty bread throughout the world.

this is war, comrades. the revolution is coming. choose your allies. eat pasta.