the good book
2005 has thus far been an eventful year. i have already had my heart trodden on, my world shattered and my seratonin realigned. and its not even passover yet. oi vey.
my constant state of hyperbolic trauma has me questioning a-go-go, throwing those usual queries out into the stratosphere that people tend to ask everyone and noone when they're having a run of bad luck. you know, questions like "what did i do to deserve this", "when will he be mine" and "why do i like wearing women's underwear?" (i know why i do, cause i'm a girl, but the question is why do YOU?).
but this time i am not content to leave my questions floating in the realm of the unknown. this time i want answers to my histroically rhetorical ponderings. this time i am turning to a higher counsel for guidance. this time i am consulting the book:
the book was given to me as a present years ago by my sister and her hubbykins when i was all stressy crazy-lady about my final high school exams. since then it has pretty much sat dormant on my bookshelf next to a 30 year old copy of 'the joy of sex' waiting for someone to open it and be enlightened. except for that day after the year 12 formal when everyone came back to my house to
but today this hard-covered catechism lays dormant no longer. because today i am going to ask 'the book of answers' 3 big questions, the answers of which i will accept as binding gospel. and report back to you of course, cause sharing is caring. and i care for you. in a mates way. a hot naked mate.
these be the rules, as stated on the back of the book:
1. hold the closed book in your hand, on your lap, or on a table.
2. take 10 or 15 seconds to concentrate on on your questions. questions should be phrased closed-end. e.g. "is the job i'm applying for the right one?", "should i travel this weekend?" or "is it wrong to talk to your nipples?"
3. while visualising or speaking your question (one question at a time), place one hand palm down on the book's front cover and stroke the edge of the pages, back to front (wow, that's exactly what i did when i read 'the joy of sex').
4. when you sense the time is right, open the book and there will be your answer.
5. repeat the process for as many questions as you have.
okay, so i'm about to start. i am so stroking the pages of the book right now. in a mates way. a hot naked mate.
here goes:
- me: hey book, when, when will the badness end?
the book: the answer may come to you in another language.
- me: ¿oye libro, cuándo, cuándo la maldad terminará (two can play this game, bookie)?
the book: the answer is in your backyard (apparently the book doesn't speak spanish).
- me: does the schmitz want to have my babies?
the book: ask your mother.
i just checked my backyard for hot naked foreigners waiting to tell me when the badness will end. unfortunately all i found was a garden gnome and the neighbours' porcupine, neither of whom speak a foreign dialect (or any at all for that matter). but i think patience is of the essence when it comes to spiritual enlightenment. i'll check again tonight.
also, my mother has never heard of the schmitz, but she did tell me to read 'the joy of sex' again. especially the chapter on something called "reproduction".
does anyone else have any questions for the book?
24 Comments:
Nadly, the book said that you might get the answer in another language and you completely disrespected that neighbors porcupine. He could have had sagely wisdom beneath those quills.
Please ask the book if you should just marry Boudist. Oh and ask why you haven't given dear patient krankiboy the pictures from your many trips to Melbourne.
Also ask it if you're getting something in the mail.
kranster,
after closing my office door, getting naked, and consulting with the book, here are your answers:
1) should i just marry boudist?
seek out more options.
2) why haven't i sent you the melbourne photos?
it would be inadvisable.
3) am i getting something in the mail?
FUCK YES!
the book never lies...
While I always appreciate you gilding the lilly and getting office nekked to help get a goodly vibe from the book I am somewhat surprised by the "FUCK YES!" reply.
I don't think that you should look to a book to guide your life when a strange American dude is available and willing to impart all his wisdom and suggest all kinds of skimpy outfits.
I'll be in my krankiboy chat room picking out a good costume for you.
These sorts of publications really shouldn't be trusted. There's a carton of these suckers out the back of my parent's secondhand bookstore, next to the carton of Benchley's 'Jaws' and Shaw 'Plays Unpleasant.'
If you marry Dan or me I insist Kranki MC's via some expensive satellite hook-up.
kranki: i can't get to the chatroom today. busy. can't you tell? whats tonight's skimpy outfit?
tms: does it have to be you OR boud? can't i have my schmitzel and eat taboudli too?
"can't i have my schmitzel and eat taboudli too?"
you made them into food.
oh my gawd! love, love, love!
can you ask why it's taking my meal so long to get here?
sugar, the book says you are too close to see why your meal is taking so long.
dang, that doesn't help me.
ask the book if it thinks it is useful?
i will not insult the integrity of the book.
be gone with you, oh unbeliever.
i'm a synic from way back. if it tells me what i want to hear i'll be fine about it.
good weekend schnooks
Ask your book if I'm going to get back with my ex. Ask it now dammit.
the book says:
'provided you say "thank you"'.
does that sound good?
Hey, fun game..
well, am too scared to ask the serious career questyons in case it says something i'm not ready to hear but we'll go with this:
Will Nancy hate me when she finds out I'm making the hot sex with her ex?
I don't think we need the book to answer that one Betty.
By the way, what's the deal with Portek? She doesn't really have a Blog. She doesn't post or anything. What's that all about?
cotton: I do post... it's just that my profile says "0 posts" for some bizzare, unknown and technolmologically fucked reason. If you click on the link you will get to my blog.
nads: can you ask the book if I should do phone sex to raise money to replace my camera?
red betty: hey foxy lady, unfortunately the book says "don't dount it" in regards to you finderbanging nacny's ex. i still love you though.
cotton: in regards to your question of "what's with that?", the book says "focus on your home life". which obviously means more showers with the schmitz.
the book also volunteered this for you: "don't drink too much tonight, your liver has the ouchies".
portek: the book says you should do phone sex "if its done well; if not, don't do it at all".
personally i think that's always the rule when it comes to phone sex.
Ask the book if anyone besides me will ever read my blog. Also ask it if the Dragons will the Rabbitohs in the Charity Shield.
paul:
the book says "wait", and "perhaps, when you're older".
Could you ask The Book if Chad Fudd will be getting any action in the foreseeable future? Ask it NOW!!
buckie, the book says chad fudd should "expect the unexpected".
Well, I don't expect Elisabeth Rohm to walk through my front door right now, naked, heaving and sweating for my hot bod, so - Woo Hoo!
*door bell rings*
Oh, oh. I got another one. Ask it if my google-bomb mission to get forums.livingwithstyle.com to #1 for the term "french fries" will work.
that book sounds like a crock of shit to me, what kind of insecure loser would waste their money and time on that kind of garbage. its this type of voodoo, artsy crap that forces people to lose faith in themselves...
can you ask it why i have no friends?
seriously though, cool book.
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